At a certain point, I feel the need to escape. I don’t know how long I have been here, but I need to get out. The cursed desire to be free is lingering in my head, and my eyes search for possibility everywhere, looking for hope. I try to map out a pattern in my captors behavior and establish a time when I can make a run for it.
Jessie is seldom around when Domino needs to be pleased. I assume that while she accepted his grotesque desires are a part of some deal, she secretly despises him for it. She has to.
How can she sit by and hear someone rape another person day in and day out while demanding multiple positions and favors from their enslaved victim and not feel any shame for being a part of it.
Domino, with every session, grows more comfortable with doing what he pleases with me. He believes with every cell in his body that I belong to him.
Often, I find myself longing for the very first time he touched me, longing for the gentle animal style of his twisted desires. I long for times when all I had to worry about was Jessie barking rules at me or number one and two staring at me from a far. After Domino has his way with me, I mostly long for my domestic, boring, placid and predictable life. I think about how I wanted to lead a more adventurous life, a more exciting life. Any life with more hype than going to work every day and returning home to simply finish the day, only to start all over again. I used to want something more than the mundane decisions that came with adulthood. I knew I was lucky to not worry about money, not only from my estranged late grandfather but also from my husband.
The lack of stress about our financial circumstances never brought any joy. If anything, it brought more work. One cannot simply have money, one must do things with money.
Unlike my sweet husband, I was not brought up knowing I was wealthy and so was never thought the secret hidden ways of making money work for me. So, I left it to him.
As I sit here, body riddled in pain, I remember. I remember a time when all I cared about was that my card never got declined, how it was paid off was never my concern. Now, if I could, I would go back to that mundane, boring, restless, joyless, repetitive life and change it to be what I want.