I was right to wait, I know this now. I have only one plan to escape, one. I can’t afford to lose it, but being right isn’t always good. Sometimes, I have to accept being raped as my prize for being smart. Every night, I wait a little bit longer. A bit longer becomes a lifetime if I’m not careful.
Just so you know, rape isn’t the worst thing he can do. I mentioned he likes burns. He gets a tiny piece of metal and burns my back, one tiny piece at a time. He holds the scorching tool on my skin for as long as he wants. He says he is making a picture on my back with the little dots. He says I am art and he is an artist. He’s demented, that’s what he is; a foul beast.
The pills ready. I have the meal of choice ready, but what I lack is how to get anywhere. The more I search for a way to do this, the more I realize I will never know how to do this. I can’t possibly get One and Two to talk about leaving, so now what? Call off the plan? According to Two, this is all coming up to my twenty fifth month here. I am here for more than two years. I have my pills hidden away. I learn how to read Jessie just as she thinks she is reading me. I make Domino think he has won over my mind, which for him is the grandest of victories after taking over my body.
I spend months behaving like, not me, to throw everyone off. I know Domino is convinced I won’t escape so I don’t risk losing my walks and my trip to the café.
They are all convinced they broke me. The moment I spent so long working up to has finally come. I am petrified that I am wrong, but I am ready.
I worked long and hard to make sure that every decision I make is not mine. I carefully choose my words with everyone. I purposefully mislead them about how I feel and think. I need them to be sure that captivity has changed me. I need to be confident no one can predict anything I did.
Jessie informs me that Domino is arriving from his business trip and wants to celebrate. He gave Jessie explicit instructions and I despise what that means. Domino is coming in that night for a session and I am instructed to have his favorite dish ready.
Everyone will be eating this meal and so I prepare the food and put the sleeping pills in the drink. I am never allowed to eat with them so I have nothing to worry about.
As they feast, I sit on the ground in the corner looking out the hole in the wall. Like I always do. I am adamant not to think of anything hopeful so that my body does not give me away. By now, I have grown very capable of controlling my mind and thoughts. I play back the most recent pleasure session and rub the area on my back where Domino has whipped me. The box of the pills said it takes at least an hour for the effects to start so I lay down as everyone sleeps for what I figure is three hours.